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I'm staring at this blank page now, wondering what to write. Where to start. What to say.

More and more I've found that I rely on my blog as a source of expression, where I say those things I would not want to say in person; perhaps out of fear (of reproach, alienation, whatever) or just plain over-thinking everything (which I do often, sadly).

And so I'm at a junction. Do I say too much, or do I stifle myself and walk the motions. Toe the line and pretend like everything is fine, and we all go on our merry ways?

Don't get me wrong. Everything is fine. You aren't going to pick up the paper tomorrow and read about an estranged Pakistani boy going on a shotgun rampage (not my style - I'd go old-school with an axe, word). But at the same time, 'fine' is a ridiculously objective expression. Taking it's most generous definition, it is an expression characterising accomplishment, elegance or refinement. And at its most bland? Peachy.

But enough said about all that. Fine I am and fine all things are. I guess the real message I wanted to put out there today is that things in the life of one Zohaib Hashim (deleting the appropriate formal titles here *giggle*) will be changing. Some will see them, some won't.

I think it will all work out well in the end. If not, I may have to drastically re-imagine just what 'fine' can mean!

- Z

The Etiquettes of Groping, and the Simplicity of the Male Mind

So I was out with some friends on Saturday, and as friends do, we launched into vast intricate discussions on social norms and interaction - namely the picking up of girls and boys (which is strangely a fairly common topic for me to be found talking about... not that I'm actually any good at it. Anyway, I digress). A few of the points really stuck to me.


1. Groping

This is not so much encountered by guys. We almost never get groped by girls (and by that I'm excluding the obvious crazies or those so drunk they have no idea what they're doing), and gay men pretty much understand the importance of personal space too - and are probably more civilised than the rest of us put together, come to think of it.

Anyway, so yes, being a big believer in the idea of personal space (particularly because I'm the type who gets rather claustrophobic), the prospect of intentionally reaching out and touching some one's body in a sexual way entails, at least for me, that a degree of permission be present. Call me old fashioned, but the idea of sexual assault just doesn't give me wood in the morning.

That said, my friend was lamenting the lack of gropage that had been coming her way of late. After all the jeering and macho comments were done (no night is complete without offering to grab someones bum) it really made me think; girls, you really don't have it very easy when it comes to dealing with us boys.

We're (for the most part) rude and overly friendly with our hands.

It makes you wonder though; were mankind to one day suddenly stop groping one another, would all women, like my friend, eventually yearn the feeling of a sharp slap on the ass, a feeling that, when applied more generously, they did not perhaps fully appreciate?

Food for thought.

2. The Male Mind

Women worry far too much what men think about them. That is a fact.

They worry about what we think of them, what we'll think of their hair, of how they're dressed, and so on and so forth. Most of this tightly bottled crazy they don't really show you - especially if you're on the receiving end of their interest.

But hey, come to be friends with a few of them, gain their confidence, and whoosh, it comes spilling out like sand from a bag. The degree mental trauma I have suffered answering "Oh will he like me" questions is unbelievable.

But yes, I feel a little clarification is in order here. Men only 'really' need 4 things from a woman:

1. A Challenge - no guy (at least no guy worth dating) wants a girl who gives him everything he wants on a silver platter, with a side of threesome. No no, make him yearn it - it's denial after all that makes him want it all the more, even if he didn't want it much to begin with. We all are essentially rebellious - we always want what we can't have. We enjoy the thrill of the hunt. We are lions in the wild, not the 'kittehs' in the home (though knowing my cat, I fear there may not be much difference).

2. Promise - not like verbal promises; that gives away all the fun. I mean promise in the sense that you possess enough mystery and enticement to keep them wanting more. There is always that unsaid statement that there may be more of a little something something if he's a good boy. And a good boy he definitely will be.

3. Control - Men for the most part like to be in control (or to at least think they are). Humour him - it's only genetics we're talking about here, after all. Every male inherently wants to be the alpha male, the proverbial leader of the pack. Only some realise it. But the more something matters to a man, the more protective and controlling he will be over it. It does not help that the aforementioned 'something' likes to actively control him back.

4. Space - This one CANNOT be stressed enough. The true key to a fast relationship-kill is to stifle the others space. Your relationship is supposed to be an addition to someones life; it isn't supposed to detract from it (though obviously over time it will replace some aspects of the old life with new things; but again, this is done voluntarily, not at knife point).

Do not call him the day you have a date. Don't text him 20 times a day wondering what he's doing. Don't give him the luxury of knowing you're constantly thinking about him. You may have slept with him but hey guess what, he's gotten half of what he needs from that relationship anyway (a.k.a. sex), and he'll be happy to go looking for the other half elsewhere if you smother him. He needs to come to you - like any good angler will tell you, sometimes you have to slacken the reel so the fish doesn't know it's hooked and won't attempt a break for freedom.

I guess that about sums it up. These are some rough points but hey they're the God honest truth. Obviously they won't apply every time all the time, but I think having had a fair bit of experience in said matters, it should give you a fairly rough estimate on how not to behave, ladies.

The rest of the conversation consisted of my friends taking stabs at me (being one of the only single people there). I don't know why I haven't gotten back on the horse yet, probably just taking things slow (it is a bit of a feeble horse after all - don't want to break it's back).

After all the jeering comes the inevitable period where all your couple-friends feel sorry for you (you're usually oblivious to the pain they think you should be feeling) and proceed to offer to hook you up or ask you your type.

And I think that is a promising point to end this entry on. What, you want to know my type?

I'll never tell. Probably because the list is so long it scares even me, particularly as I don't really have the pick of the flock going at the moment!

And hey, whoever said beggars can't be choosers definitely hasn't met the homeless man on Oxford Road, that's for sure.

- Zo

I Hate Saudi Internet

I am on holiday.

Most people would classify this as a break from the norm - where you don't do things you ordinarily do and you go out and live a little.

The problem is I ordinarily get up to doing things I don't do anyway - in fact I make a note of trying something a little bit different every day (don't be shocked and awed, it's actually a lot simpler than it seems. It may be something as mundane as tying my shoelaces a different way, sleeping at a different angle, going to a new place, blah blah blah).

So coming to Jeddah on holiday. Fair enough I'm doing a lot of stuff I wouldn't be doing in the UK (in particular, just surviving in the brutal traffic) but unfortunately, unlike a proper 'getaway' holiday, I spent my high school years living in Jeddah, so if anything, it's kind of like just coming to a home away from home.

Obviously, things change (which in Jeddah goes mostly along the lines of new restaurants and cafes and malls, and old haunts perhaps being shut down or moving to bigger premises). And of course, boasting lovely coastal temperatures in the 35-40 degrees Celcius during the daylight hours, almost no one does anything during the day.

With all of this in mind, where does one turn to for comfort and solace? Ah yes, the all begirding un-judging gentle mistress, the Internet. She who allows me to bask in her glory unkempt and wild, insatiable.

Or something like that.

But yes, epic versing aside, I am a bit of an Internet junkie - in fact one of the things keeping me from joining the iPhone revolution is that I don't want to be connected ALL the time (just MOST of the time).

Alas, the Internet in Saudi Arabia leaves a lot to be desired. For one thing, we have a shitty 512kbps connection (to give you a rough idea, it takes longer to load a Youtube video than to watch it). Secondly, Saudi Arabia is one of those places around the world that chooses to heavily censor it's Internet so as prevent access to those materials that are deemed unsuitable for the public by the Government.

There is a strong argument that forcefully sheltering people from something will make them more inclined to want that thing, and in particular, were they to actually find themselves in a situation where it is readily available without reprieve, more often than not, they would tend to go overboard with it. This would result in a complete failure of what the original intention was anyway.

Now I've deliberately kept the above paragraph vague so it will fit just about every category of censorship: pornography, alcohol, political forums, etc. etc.

Not only is it censored (yes, there is another cherry on top of the existing cherry) but Saudi ISP's have done something funky to mess with Google as well, so that the search criterion is constantly kept at 'Strict' and my homepage is always in Arabic...

Thanks? I assume that's the response you'd want, since my other response can't be voiced here as otherwise my post would be filtered out on Google search.

And as much as there should be regular reform, especially to something as vast and continuously evolving as the Internet, I have found that fairly harmless sites (such as Megavideo or Veoh) have been banned for absolute ages.

So I must look to other resources for my entertainment. Cut off from modern cinema (yes, there are no cinemas in Saudi Arabia), and unable to keep up with the newest True Blood episodes online, deprived of the wider majority of Internet anime, and alas unable to resort to the old staple time passes that are Redtube and it's like, I guess at the end of the day all I can really do is sit and stare off into the desert very hard until I start hallucinating a naked ninja vampire battle or some other collusion (I have a vivid imagination, forgive me).

Or I can take the less dramatic road and watch Super Comedy - they have constant reruns of the Tonight Show and SNL *shrug*.

- Zo

P.S. Happy Independance Day to all you fellow Pakistanis out there.

I Love The Saudi Arabian Way of Life

Often you will hear me complain and moan about things on this blog.

Not today! Today I'm going to give you a special treat; a rare occasion when I actually enjoyed something! Gather around kids, the knowledge bombing is about to start.

The way of life in Saudi Arabia is very laid back. It could be that the culture is very relaxed and not particularly financially driven, like life in the West.

It could partially be the intense heat - I've come very close to a heat stroke several times over the past years.

Whatever the case, things move at a very slow, comfortable pace, making it an almost ideal place for a vacation (barring ofcourse some of the personal freedoms you would enjoy elsewhere in the world).

Another thing that's quite interesting is the system of the weekend. Rather than Saturday and Sunday, the weekend here is Thursday and Friday, perhaps to coincide better with the fact that Friday is the major day of worship for Muslims.

Also, interestingly, Saudi Arabia is one of the few countries around the world where all businesses STOP during prayer times - that means all government facilities, all commercial firms and shops, all banks, etc. Luckily hospitals keep open!

This is sometimes seen as a nuisance, but at other times it can be a comfortable break - a bit of a slow down from the regular fast pace that life will often take.

Also, because of the intense heat, most places (shops, cafeterias, restaurants, etc.) Don't actually start proper business till after 5pm and are open till very late at night, thus giving Saudi Arabia a very interesting commercial night life. Couple it with the fact that alcohol is outlawed and you tend to get very creative ways of spending your nights, be it with shisha (water pipe) sat on the beach (an option here in Jeddah), or out with friends at some cafe or the other, catching up on gossip, or even sailing.

So yes, it's a brilliant place to visit. Definitely recommended. But possibly not the best place to live. The financial feasibility of this way of life just doesn't sit too solidly with me sadly.

-Z

I Hate Saudi Traffic

Traffic can be bad in a lot of places. London, for example. I wouldn't drive in that city if you paid me (unless you were paying me by the hour, in which case fuck it, I don't mind going 5 miles an hour all day).

But NOTHING I have ever seen compares to Saudi Traffic.

There is no system of lanes. People drive all over the place. The far side line (generally for slower traffic) will at times be moving faster than all the rest.

Drivers in Saudi Arabia do not know what an indicator light is. They feel those little sticks protruding from the sides of their steering wheel are to hang air freshener trees from (a logical assumption, since they never use those lights).

Couple that with the lack of a lane system, and you can see the results. I saw a few lads swing across 4 lanes the other day without giving any indication, causing a lot of traffic to swerve out of the way.

There is no system of priority on roundabouts. Infact the government, finally seeing the problem, are busy demolishing all roundabouts and replacing them with traffic lights instead.

On the existing roundabouts, often you have to stop your car in the middle of the roundabout to let more people in to the roundabout. Nice.

Half the population do not use seatbelts. They instead plug the belt in first then sit on top of it, so that their car doesn't make the beeping noise that it makes when a seatbelt is not connected. I think manufacturers should make the beeping noise for when the belt is not connected, and when the belt is connected but the jackass isn't using it - a 10000 volt electric shock.

People like to go very very fast in very very shitty cars. The accident mortality rate in Saudi Arabia is off the charts.

People do not know how to park. I have seen a guy park in a parking lot horizontally taking 3 spaces. I've seen people park on the line and take 2 spaces. I've seen people leave their cars double parked and then gone off and fucked off somewhere. I've seen people leave their keys IN THE IGNITION and leave their cars to go do something else.

Saudi Traffic School consists of attending lectures for 5 days, 2 hours a day. Then you're given a VERY BASIC aptitude test on traffic signs (you're asked to identify 3 traffic signs and thats it), and then are given a quick tour on a test track to make sure you can drive OK. Often the instructors will pass a failing candidate anyway if you're nice to them.

All lectures are in Arabic and no one really gives a crap. I remember when I went to get my license. I spent all the time in those lectures reading The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan instead.

All in all, traffic is deplorable and driving here often makes me clench my toes in fear. Thus I hate Saudi Traffic.

I Love/Hate [Insert Location]

So I'm a fairly well traveled person - I've lived in a lot of countries over the course of my as yet short life, and as most people know, it takes actually living somewhere (as opposed to just visiting) to get the real pulse of how a thing is (you get over a lot of the little annoying things as a tourist, but as a resident? Shotgun time).

I thought I'd get the ball rolling with Saudi Arabia.

So from time to time expect me to post up a little random post about different aspects of life here.

Should be fun.

- Zo

It's All In The Mind

So I borrowed the title for this post from the words for an old game. I don't know how many of you readers will remember it - in fact, I'm not quite sure why I myself remember them.

It was from a time before I really got into the music appreciation scene - much abouts the time when I used to think girls had kudies too. In fact I remember this one girl I used to go to school with who always wanted to kiss me, and I kept coming up with excuses not to - it got so bad that I used to dread running into her during breaks between lessons.

Yes, other kids were bullied by bigger boys who wanted to flush their heads down the toilet. I was terrorised by a (in hindsight, relatively cute) girl who wanted a little bit of Strangelove (being the only brown kid in school was an interesting experience). Yes, how unfortunate, my sad and tragic life.

So yes, anyway, the game I pinched the lyrics from is Parappa the Rappa (one of the earlier games to come out on the Playstation when it was but a youngling - feel free to click on the link to see the song I'm talking about).

But yes, this post has (or is supposed to at least) be more about the statement as opposed to the origin of where I found it. It's all in the mind.

So many things stem from our personal perspective and viewpoint. Love. Hate. Anger. Fear. Most emotions, though considered counter logical and thus not directly attributable to the general activities the mind is thought to contribute to, are still generated through the various faculties of the mind.

Often our perception and thus direct line of thought will heavily contribute to the mood we are feeling at the time. Take the simple example of the flattering mirror. In most cases, this is a mirror slightly more concave horizontally than normal, resulting in a reflection that looks slimmer (which is most probably the desired goal for a fair few people in the world). Seeing oneself in such a mirror has an uplifting effect. On the other hand, seeing oneself in a store's window reflection may often result in one looking chubbier than usual - and more often than not, this has a severely demoralizing effect on a person.

A similar concept applies to most things. Often simply over thinking matters or allowing parallel lines of thought to intercede can lead us to feel down. This corruption process is pretty easy, and I guess I suffer from it pretty badly. It takes a couple of things going wrong to ruin my thinking mood - I say 'thinking mood' because ordinarily that is what I tend to do when I have nothing else going on - think. Think about just about everything and anything. And if I have things that bring me down at the front of my mind, it doesn't take long for me to start thinking that life is actually pretty shit.

I guess I just need to keep busy, and systematically just work through my troubles. Problems don't solve themselves after all.

Being on holiday will help me face a lot of these fears. Having a lot more time to myself means I have more time to explore the boundaries of my own mind and tackle down my ghosts and bring them into submission.

I'm confident it can be done. I guess at the end of the day this little piece is just an affirmation of my intention for action. If it's in writing it's more likely to be carried out after all.

Lets see how things play out. I'm going to have to be patient, and I guess till then, so will you (in regards to having to put up with my whining).


-Zo